Master of Ceremonies

Greetings.  It is a season of good news, potential Nancy-women and Reagan-men.  As we keep vigil awaiting the Resurrection of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus H. Christ, we also look forward to a new day of loyal, unflinching women, who exhibit no signs of emotional or physical pain, and men who stand tall in the saddle looking straight ahead, shooting from the hip, and asking questions later.

The NRA has officially endorsed arranged marriages as one possible solution to the relationship crisis gripping our post-industrial, post-modernist world.

Why arranged, you ask?  Plain and simpleton.  Arranged marriages have a long history in both the Western and Eastern worlds.  The ancient Greeks and Romans used them to great effect to build powerful families.  The Greeks routinely paired 30-something year-old men with teenage girls.  What could be better?  Well, let the Indians tell you.  The Hindus still use arranged marriages and even added the bonus of the woman throwing herself on the husband’s funeral pyre.  We like this very much.  Also, and this is the kicker, arranged marriages have a 100% success rate.  And, the arranged marriage eliminates any need for women to decide anything.  Ever.  Now, your whole life is safely planned for you by loved ones.

So ladies, stop chasing your tails.  Ask your parents to set things up immediately.

Or, keep filling the emptiness in your cold, black hearts with assholes as devoid of meaning and sustenance as your own souls.

As we like to say in the arranged marriage world, the choice is not yours.

Till Death Do Us Part

Heroes, Friends of Freedom, Nancy-lovers,

Here is a morale boost for those of you in the trenches out there fighting for the preservation of sacramental marriage and full-bodied love.

March 4, 1971

Dear Mrs. Reagan

Your loving, faithful devotion has been observed these 19 years.  There are no words to describe the happiness you have brought to the Gov.  It seemed to me you should know this and be aware of how essential you are in this man’s life.

With Love & Appreciation

—- Your in Luv Guv.

 

Operation Feminine Mistake

Beloved Nancy-women and potential Nancy-women, more good news in the fight for responsible womanhood.

Inspired by the use of military force in Libya (hopefully followed by the authorization of American ground troops), the NRA is proud to announce a new component in this holiest of crusades for the restoration of decency and reason in the war between the sexes.

In 1963, Betty Friedan cited housework and lack of career opportunities as the source of boredom and frustration for modern women.  Well, look where that got us.  She unleashed sexual demons that have only divided men from women.  Women in the workplace?  Sexual discrimination laws?  The possibility of divorce?  It’s as horrible as it sounds.  Friedan rendered asunder the very protections of an insular, isolated, man-centered household in favor of a gender-bendered world of broken homes and relationships where women attempt but fail to make good decisions.

The NRA has rekindled hope.  Obviously, most women are not emotionally or financially strong enough to revert this diabolical Friedanian social order.  With that in mind, the NRA has begun to organize special teams of “trainers” to live exemplary Ronald-worthy lives.  Hosted in friendly governments spanning the globe, these trainers will serve as visible expressions of the NRA’s principles and values.  Additionally, these trainers will be called on, from time-to-time, to liquidate men who ruin potential Nancy-women.  Yes, that’s right.  The NRA has decided to create a “no-fly zone” of sorts to identify the pinkos and Carter-lovers who espouse free love and tear women from Reagan-men.  These male sirens lure good women to their doom with false promises, broken ultimatums, unrealistic dating scenarios, bad breath, and ugly looks.

Never fear.  Their reign of terror will soon be at an end.  The NRA has already identified several of these villains and is secretly planning to “settle all accounts” as Don Corleone was fond of saying.

Patience.

While you wait await your liberation, sustain yourself on this letter from Reagan to Nancy (written the very same year as Friedan’s contemptible book):

March 4, 1963

“My Darling,

This is really just an ‘in between’ day.  It is a day on which I love you three hundred and sixty five days more than I did a year ago and three hundred and sixty five less than I will a year from now.

All my love,

Your Husband”

Eat, Pray, Lose

The book/movie Eat, Pray, Love has been placed on the Enemies List by your ever vigilant team of censors at the realNRA. Eat, Pray, Love tells the story of a postmodern harpy named Liz Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts), who goes completely haywire as the movie progresses. In the opening scenes, we see Gilbert happily married to a wealthy, successful man, a man that could run for president on the Republican ticket. Well, we all think she is happily married, because one night as the clock strikes twelve, insanity strikes Gilbert. All of a sudden, she realizes that she is not that happy after all, so she leaves all her money, her big apartment, and her loving husband behind. Obviously, the man is heartbroken; who expects such treachery from the woman you married? Gilbert does not seem to care too much, however. A few moments after her departure, she gives her stone-cold heart to a Buddhist hippie. Everything about this second relationship shouts REBOUND, and of course the whole affair does not last long. Gilbert bails out again; the hippie will need more than Buddha to get over her. We are only 30 minutes into the movie, but Gilbert has already managed to cluster-bomb the lives of two men. Will they ever trust a woman again? Probably not. Well done, Liz Gilbert, you really gave women a role model to aspire to.

The rest of the movie is dedicated to Gilbert traveling all across the planet to find good food, good religion, and a good man (i.e. a man that can put up with her emotional instability, lack of commitment, and terrifying irresponsibility). Eat, Pray, Love makes your eyes and heart bleed. It encourages women to destroy long-lasting and stable relationships in order to go on an insane quest around the world in order to “find themselves.” Once these ideas take root in the female psyche, we can kiss Western civilization goodbye. Picture these hordes of postmodern women spending their ex-husband’s money at bunga bunga parties in Italy and on the sex-ridden shores of Thailand, only to figure out their identities! Is this responsible womanhood? The NRA does not think so.

Women of the World, take an example in the TV series “The Little House on the Prairie.” Mrs. Ingalls never wondered if there was more in life, because she was happy and content in her little log cabin, with her daughters and hardworking husband. You do not need to see every palm tree on Earth before you can settle down and be at peace with yourself. Try the prairies of Oklahoma first, for instance. A Mr. Ingalls may be waiting for you there, right around a windswept corner.

“I want the truth!”

Yes, future Nancy-women, Tom Cruise’s character in “A Few Good Men” said it so well.  A few good Reagan-men want the truth!

It’s been too long ladies.  We gave you a brief vacation to reflect on the recent HBO documentary on Reagan and, of course, to observe the birthday of George Washington, a super-patriot and American hero despite his impotency, speech impediment, lack of teeth, and opium problem.  He was an original and shared much in common with the Gipper.  Both men were larger than life.  Both stared down foreign aggressors.  Both saw Providence’s handiwork in the Constitution.  Both refused to let physical handicaps (in Reagan’s case it was mental) interfere with either the pomp-and-circumstance of the executive office or a little ass-kicking from time to time.  Both should be on our currency.  Both hated communism.

I digress.

Nancy-women, as you embark on this crusade to snare yourself a latter-day George Washington or Ronnie, you must mentally and emotionally prepare for a series of questions you can expect on the very first date.  Relax.  Don’t faint from using your brains.  We’re here to help.  This list will surely vary, but please take a minute to read the following sample questions and to discern.

Some questions will be quite direct:

“How do you define ‘freedom?'”; ” “Is your career or your future husband’s career more important?”; “How emotionally scarred are you from your last relationship?”; “Do you date more than one person simultaneously?”; “Are you hoping to reunite with your former lover or have you severed all ties?”; “Are you a vegetarian?”; “What tv housewife do you most identify with?”

Some questions come in a form that shows we already know you too well:

“How crazy are you?”; “How do you self-medicate?”; “How do you contrast reason with rationality?”; “How long have you hated cats?”

Other questions will be rather personal:

“After sex, do you like to a) spoon and cuddle, b) go to sleep, or c) talk?”  Going to sleep reveals a selfish woman unsuitable for siring children with Ronald.  “How many children would you like to have: a) 0, b) 1, c) 2 or more?”  Trick question.  The real answer is that you play it safe and choose a color.  Answering “zero” indicates selfishness.  Answering “one” means you’re overwhelmed at the idea of having multiple children and juggling your career.  Answering “2 or more” shows that you’re headed in the right direction, but, seriously, you should let the man decide how many children to have.  You know better than to assume mastery of your uterus.

Dear women, thank you for being open-minded and receptive to our program.  Help us, help you.  How nice.  We came full circle.  The blog started with Lt. Caffey and finished with Jerry Maguire.  These two fine Tom Cruise movies showcased emotionally-stable women who are ready to stand by their men in crises and who find it slightly arousing when men come home drunk.

Glum

The real American patriots of the NRA have identified another visual and audio abortion plaguing the women of the Western Hemisphere.  Though, a trusted source in Europe has verified that French and Dutch women have also taken a liking to this nefarious program, which means the show is contaminating ever larger circles of unsuspecting women.

What show am I talking about?  “Glee,” of course.

Potential Nancy-women:  Wake up and smell the pony loaf!  “Glee” is low-grade gutter rot.  The smut peddlers at FOX have yet again pawned off something that warps women’s minds and distracts them from their true calling:  attending to their men.

“Glee,” which airs on Tuesday nights, invites viewers to “Gleek Out!” on its website.  The cast of characters includes feckless Philistines like “Finn” and “Mercedes.”  Enough said.  Most of these episodes could be written from a portable toilet by a drunken Paula Abdul hopped up on Xanax.

Ladies, Tuesday nights are for home-schooling your children so they can stay in the household and out of socialist public schools.  Stop watching!  Do not make us declare open war on the mostly good people of FOX and Rupert Murdoch, who is a friend of the NRA.

To Kill _To Kill a Mockingbird_

The 1960 Pulitzer Prize-winning “novel,” _To Kill a Mockingbird_ has been deemed pure gutter and unbecoming of Nancy-women.

For too long, American women have been suckered in by Harper Lee’s tale of tragedy and justice set in the Deep South.  Women latch onto this book like a turkey leg at Thanksgiving.  They talk about it passionately like a Dr. Phil episode (which, by the way, will soon be added to the Enemies List).  Wake up, ladies!  Let’s examine why you like this story.  It’s written by a woman.  That is really the only reason, but you might also insist on the book’s sentimentality.  You like it that Atticus acted courageously and patiently explained the world to Scout.  He never judges or condemns her just as he never condemns anyone.  Deep down, in places you can’t explain, you like it that a man shows an unwillingness to judge.  It relieves you from making poor decisions, or, more likely, any decision at all.

Let’s look at the real message of this tripe.  What Harper Lee argues is that it is wrong to kill Tom Robinson but it is right to kill a white supremacist.  Murder is allowable in one instance but not in another.  Then, she follows up this book with other bestsellers such as … uh … there was the one that … hmm.  Okay, she’s a one-hit wonder.  She wasted her talents on this hackneyed penny press fiction when she could have been campaigning for Richard Nixon against John F. Kennedy.

My point is that if you’re looking for good reading or entertainment, why not read Reagan’s newly released diary?  Why not spend an afternoon with his love letters to Nancy?  How about spending an evening with your man spewing profanity and slander at Jane Wyman in her movies?  These are all acceptable alternatives to reading Harper Lee.

Furthermore, the South did not need Harper Lee to reconcile racial differences.  Ronald Reagan did that at the Neshoba County Fair.  Case closed.  States’ rights are good, Harper Lee is bad.

Harry Potter

In 1997, British author, J.K. Rowling, committed legions of women to lunacy.  Her fictional character, Harry Potter, has derailed an entire generation of women, young and middle-aged alike.  In total, seven of these “books” have been published, accompanied by film versions.  Women have been known to wait in lines for hours to buy these books and tickets to the movies.

The Nancy Reagan Association has paid close attention to the fanaticism young women display at the mere mention of Hank Potter.  Why?  Because the world of Harry Potter offers a false reality devoid of free market economics and the superiority of genetic bloodlines.  Who would want to live in such a world?  Ladies, wake up.  Obeying the free market and building superior families is what life is all about.  Don’t distract yourself with whimsical children’s novels.  Don’t spend your hard earned money to enrich this British peddler of wizards and illusions.

The NRA  deems the entire Harry Potter industry a serious threat to the general stability and mental health of women.  It diverts their attention and financial resources into a fantasy world.  If you’re looking for a story about the triumph of good over evil, study Reagan’s heroic invasion of Grenada.  If you’re searching for a good British woman to cozy up to, look no further than Margaret Thatcher.  If you want magic, remember how Reagan undercut the Air Traffic Controllers, an icy, airliner slid off the runway, and then they named the airport after him?  That’s magic.  That’s real.

To the women of the world:

On this Christmas Day, we celebrate two great events: the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and the launching of the Nancy Reagan Association website. It is no mere coincidence that the NRA decided to commence its crusade for responsible womanhood today. Now that the first decade of the twenty-first century is almost over, we live in a world that is further than ever removed from the innocence of the baby Jesus. Indeed, the social and cultural norms we are forced to live by today would make the baby Jesus cry.

Especially women have fallen victim to this society gone mad. With the breakdown of the traditional household, females are now expected to follow the same life path as males. This reality is as ridiculous as it sounds. We all know that men cannot raise children, and we all know that women cannot shoot deer, with the possible exception of Sarah Palin. The goal of the Nancy Reagan Association asks for a great effort by all Americans: a restoration of the gender roles on which our great Republic was founded. We again need to return to an age in which virtue has a central place in public and private life, with a distinct line between these two spheres. In such an ideal civilization, both genders have clearly defined tasks. Women stay at home and raise virtuous citizens, while men go out into the public world, where they will dedicate themselves to the common good. Although our organization is firmly grounded in the basic tenets of Americanism, we are convinced that our philosophy is helpful to women worldwide.

Before he achieved total victory in the Cold War, President Reagan told Mikhail Gorbachev to literally tear down the wall between freedom and Communist despotism. In the Cold War that is raging between men and women today, however, we ask to restore the wall between the sexes, so that we can again live in an orderly world where people are at peace with themselves.

We named our organization in honor of Nancy Reagan, since she exudes all the virtues post-modern women lack. Nancy was a mother to her children, Patti and Ron, a mother to the nation, and in the end, a mother to her demented husband. She was at peace with her marriage to Ronald, so she did not have at least three other guys on the back burner; because the love of her life was the leader of the free world, she never thought about pursuing a high-profile career; since her basic Presbyterian faith gave her enough spiritual inspiration, she did not need to experiment with all kinds of occult religions; and she saw no use in traveling all over the planet to “find herself.” America was big enough for her.

Ronald was a simple man, Nancy was a simple woman, and in their simplicity, they found greatness.

The NRA asks women to follow the example Nancy Reagan set, in particular her commitment to Ronald. When you commit yourself to your man entirely, there is no more need to think for yourself, which is a marvelous relief. Once you are committed, do not question your relationship, your life partner’s judgment, or your own judgment. You are at peace now, and you may well be on your way to the same eminence Ronald and Nancy achieved.

On this website, the NRA provides you with information that is essential in becoming a Nancy woman. In this modern world, many dangers exist that may lure you away from the process of Nancyfication. The NRA will warn you against these dangers and provide guidelines to live your life according to the Gospel of Nancy.

There is a way to stop the betrayal and the lies. You too can become as pure as the snow that fell on the stable in Bethlehem. You too can become as pure as Nancy. The NRA is here to help you.

A tip for women

Women who cook and bake hot, delicious pies are wonderful people.  Nancy would agree and approve.  Women, however, should also appreciate and pay attention to men who know how to cook.  A direct correlation exists between men who cook well and their performance in the bedroom.  It shows mastery over both arenas.

Lobbyists do not know how to cook.  Avoid them.  They care only about special interest politics and lie professionally.

Ronald Reagan’s favorite food was jelly beans.  Keep your home stocked with them.